Batteries Not Included.

Now before I go any further I have to point out that the content of this story is of an adult nature, if you are easily offended then may I suggest that you don't read on. You will be pleased to know however that I have throughout retained my saintly persona.

Now I thought that it was time for a little consumer testing of my own. We have certain laws that protect consumers, one in particular which states that an item must be fit for the purpose for which it is sold. Simply put it should basically do what it says it will do or perform as it says it will perform. If it does not them you are entitled to return it and either get a replacement or a refund. Simple. However it occurred to me does this law also apply to sex toys? So in the interests of consumer knowledge I set off to the high street and our local Ann Summers store.

Now although this is a 'sex shop' it does have the ability to carry itself with integrity in high streets and malls throughout the country. Therefore one would assume that as it has shaken off the sleazy mantle that most of its kind previously had it should offer the consumer the same protection as other high street stores.

On entering the shop I was greeted by a very pleasant young woman who kindly offered me a basket and a leaflet with their latest special offers. As I glanced through the leaflet I pondered in what shape the 50% extra free came!! I meandered through the racks of lingerie with their frills, feathers, leather, PVC, peek a boos and open crotches then on further into the depths here they kept the dressing up clothes, nurses, schoolgirls, catwoman, bunny girl, clown... clown! I'm sorry chaps but have I missed something here? Eventually I stumbled upon the 'toyshop', hurray my quest begins.

After a brief recky I discovered that there are quite literally hundreds to choose from, handbag sized, pocket sized, small, medium, large, superdooper, king kong, pink, red, luminous lime green, in case it's dark, five speed gear box, hydraulic breaking, sorry just kidding. So without further ado I began to select a variety for my basket. I chose what I considered to be a reasonable cross section of what was on offer. In the interests of fair play you understand. With my basket of goodies I headed for the till. I smiled my most innocent smile,

"Do you have a returns policy?" I enquired
"What do you mean?" The sales assistant asked cautiously."Well I assume I can return them if they are not 'right',
"Not.. right. In what way?"

"Well until I've tried them out I won't know if they, well you know dear, work!"

She blushed furiously, "We, we couldn't possibly accept them back if, well I mean in the event, they've been used madam",
"But how will I know if they 'work'?"
 "Work!" She stammered.
"Well if I were buying lingerie, you would let me try them on wouldn't you to see if they fit properly?"
"That's different madam, you see we have fitting rooms,"
"Oh, I hadn't seen those dear, can you direct me to them?" I asked.
Suddenly I had that old sinking feeling, as a door just to the right of the till burst open and out walked the Manageress. Suffice to say that she had at some point in her past had a humour bypass and was in no mood to discuss the matter further. Even when I did point out that as a consumer I have rights. Fit for the purpose, performs as it is supposed to perform etc.
And so I was left to venture home with my little bag of goodies and no hope of returning them, as apparently in relation to dildos and vibrators there are in actual fact rather hazy performance criteria. Ah hem not wishing to be indelicate, but is it a case of hmm, that was nice, fancy a cuppa, or at the other end of the scale Meg Ryan's cafe scene and then some!! Obviously being a saintly bod, I am unable to comment. All was not lost however on my shopping trip, in their special offer sheet they were offering three packs of rechargable batteries for the price of two!
This is your local consumer tester Jude Mmr, Cjd, Nut, Dip Py, until my next assignment, signing off.
....and finally for any gentlemen reading this, I can unequivocally reassure you that size does not matter. Speed settings on the other hand... ;0)


  1. You are deliciously delicate in explaining that a no-return policy indeed exists in certain commercial dealings.


    1. Thank you my dear, I always endeavour to undertake any task with integrity and thoroughness.